So, for anyone that is still following this blog (and judging from my following list, there are plenty who blog about as often as I do anymore), if you know me you know I love to drink. Lots. Then one day, about a year ago, I started drinking and couldn't stop.
I used to be the life of the party. I always entertained people, always had the best bbq's and get togethers. But it all started unraveling. When I think about it, I think it started unraveling a lot longer than a year ago. I remember when I was getting my second divorce, I started drinking about a fifth a day of rum. There's a seven month stretch where I don't remember much. But I sobered up and got my shit back together and have been pretty good since--or so I thought.
About a year ago, I started heavily again. I can't pinpoint just one reason, because there are none. There are excuses, not reasons. I have left Mac on a weekly basis, beating against him like a river to a rock. Blamed him. Blamed my unemployment. Blamed my ex. Blamed traffic. Blamed the fucking spider that I ran into walking out of my sliders in the night. Hell, I probably would have blamed my cat if he had meowed at the right time.
Everything was a reason to drink. EVERYTHING. After work, just to relax. After working in the yard, just to relax. After driving home in traffic, just to unwind. Blah, blah, blah. But the truth of the matter is that I am the reason I drink. No outside influences, no person, place or thing. Me. Just me.
I went 12 days sober. Twelve. Of course, in those 12 days I was pretty sure I had it beat. I attended two AA meetings and decided, "I'm not one of 'them'. I don't live to drink, I just have a control issue when I drink." Then night before last, I bought a bottle on the way home from school. You know, to celebrate finals. I mean, I have to have a reason, right?? I have promised Mac each day that I would reach for him when I wanted to drink. I haven't. Too ashamed that I'm that weak. I know he takes that very painfully, probably thinks I feel I can't trust him. The truth of the matter is, he can't trust me.
So today, I'm starting over again. After reading a few things and going to an alcoholics "chat room" with Mac yesterday, I think that it's going to constantly be starting over. I just hate the constant falling down. Everyone says I need to attend more meetings, but I'm really not comfortable in the meetings. I don't like opening up to people about things that are that personal. I don't like letting people that far into me. It's easy on here...Only a couple of you actually know who I am and since you do, you know that I love to drink. The only shocker for you is probably finding out that I'm trying to quit.
So, once again I'm going to throw myself on Mac's mercy. Beg him to forgive me. Promise to be good, to be better. I don't know. I was pretty fucked up last night, yet again. Beat on him, yet again. Blamed him, yet again. I don't know how he can stand it. I keep hoping that it's because underneath all of my bullshit, he sees the woman he fell in love with struggling to come back out. Believe me, it's a struggle, too....
I'm sorry I'm not so humorous these days. Kinda hard to laugh much when you're realizing just what a fuck up you've become. So for a while, I'm probably going to come here just to vent. Try to get my groove back. Try to unbury myself from under all the bullshit that I have put on top of me. And it IS bullshit. I have great kids, a great house, a great job, a great love. I just wish I could figure out what my fucking problem is...
Oh, that's right.
So I'll leave you with this for now: